Most of pop music is about love.
Most love songs are not happy.
For every, female empowering “No, I don’t want no scrub” there are multiple righteous male “Fuck you you ho, I don’t want you back”s (link for the uncensored version, which I point out because Eamon’s Official Youtube channel doesn’t have it, which means this version always gets removed from Youtube even though it should be the only version preserved for posterity. What have you done to me Eamon’s Official Youtube channel…).
For every anti-lady lyric “she’s the reason for the word bitch” there’s an aggressively misandric “Don’t want no short dick man”.
But why, though?
Catharsis
In my experience, it’s easier to write from a place of pain (like the disappointment of being with a short dick man) then it is to write from a place of happiness (being happy you found a woman with a big vagina?).
Pain tends to require release, whereas joy is usually just experienced, used up, left to the spaces just beyond our recall to filter up years later as nostalgia or loss, where it then becomes pain (the pain of good times that are no longer) that we can then, as writers, put into words.
Now I don’t want to say that to create, one must be in pain.
A Brief Aside for Jeff Tweedy
Jeff Tweedy, when talking about his criminally negligent therapist during his WTF Podcast interview, provided an example of the artist-in-pain myth,
“He told me that I shouldn’t take any anti-depressants ‘cuz it’s bad for my creativity … but I should go ahead and take the vicodin or the opioids because you know, they make you feel good”
Marc: was this guy a musician?
Jeff: no…well actually yes, he aspired to be
Marc: There you go.
Jeff: he would read me his poetry sometimes (laughs)
…and went on to explain on the Hilarious World of Depression,
“there’s certainly something adaptive to immersing yourself in art and creating when you feel terrible…that’s a healthy adaptation, but I think that it’s much more (the case) that people create in spite of that…I would’ve been able to be so much more productive“
While writers often create for catharsis, the emotions that need to be exorcised are the same ones preventing their own exorcising.
That said, if we agree that negative emotions, like sadness and anger, are the basis for at least some of the best songs of all time, that means there are other reasons that only a few songs can be both really good and really uplifting about love.
Corniness
Another reason it’s hard to show our appreciation in art, or at least, appreciation that isn’t heart-bleeding desperation or a head-over-heels infatuation, is because happy shit is corny.
It’s a difficult emotion to convey.
Happiness in art has to, arguably, walk a much finer line than its depressive counterpart or it runs the risk of saccharine insincerity and a general response of:
So when genuine appreciation of someone else is done right, like the 6 songs in this list, it’s rare enough to be refreshing.
GROWN ASS SONGS
These songs are grown up.
They moved past the bullshit.
They got a mortgage and a 401k.
They know you’ve had a hard day, they’re making you dinner not because they have to but because they want to.
LGBTQQIP2SAA
I don’t mean to disclude the queer or non-heteronormative experience but,
1) I wouldn’t presume to know enough to speak on songs that speak to that experience and
2) the songs in this list can be enjoyed by people who love people of their same gender, they’re just sung by people of the opposite.
3) I probably shouldn’t even be writing the first half of this article, as a woman writing on the subject of what songs make her feel appreciated is by definition going to be more accurate, and while that is an article I very much look forward to reading, I can only write what I know.
For now, let’s see what the songs that I think appreciate women, say about what I think women appreciate.
MEN APPRECIATING WOMAN
I’ve written it before and I’ll write it again: Musiq Soulchild was ahead of his time.
His approach to women is respectful, his appreciation for them is one that digs their style, and his attraction to them is one that isn’t pressure filled.
Except, of course, writing and recording a song about it. (I couldn’t resist).
It’s all very 2020, but it is also gendered: approaching women takes a lot of caution.
So much caution in fact, that not talking to women is probably the most respectful route a man could go.
If that’s a little too 40-Year-Old virgin for you, Bill Withers will break up with you so nicely you almost won’t notice, like the way Chris Traeger broke up with Ann Perkins in Parks & Recreation.
Bill Withers, “I Wish You Well”
I wish you good friends that always treat you fair
Wanna wish you ribbons to tie around your hair
I wish you truckloads of cheer and many happy years
Damn.
Whether he wishes you well while you stay in his life or not, you almost want to break up with Bill Withers just to hear him compliment you like this.
But you know it would be Bill Withers breaking up with you, not the other way around, because none of us deserve him.
Whether you identify as a man or woman, I think we all agree, at least at this point in time, that tying ribbons in your hair is, on the spectrum of masculine-to-feminine, a sartorial choice further on the feminine end, giving us the gender-specific theme we need to include this song on this list, and allowing us an opportunity we must always take when presented: to put Bill Withers on a list.
If it is unclear, I am a fan of Bill Withers.
Common, “The Light”
Yes, I memorized every word of this song, and most of Like Water for Chocolate, on the bus rides home from High School.
Yes, that ages me.
No, it doesn’t make this song any less powerful, but it does water down the beginning of my analysis about it.
Common does several things most love songs never do in “The Light”.
1). Acknowledges he’s been shitty
“I know your heart is weathered by what studs did to you/ I ain’t gonn’ assault em cuz I probably did it to”
2). Has realistic expectations of his relationship
“I want to be the one that makes you happiest and hurts you the most”
3) Sets realistic expectations about himself in a relationship
“You know I ain’t the type to walk around with matchin shirts
If relationship is effort I will match your work”
4) Acknowledges the need to communicate
“it’s important we communicate”
5) Treats his love interest as an equal
“I know the sex ain’t gon keep you/ but as my equal/ is how I must treat you”
I could put a number, idea, and quote for every line in this song.
Whether this speaks to women the way I think it does, or speaks to them the way I think I would, it’s a pretty honest, mature take on the shortcomings of men in their relationships with women and how one can own up to them, knowing that owning up is only the beginning.
WOMEN APPRECIATING MEN
Tracy Chapman, “Open Arms”
This is a woman you want to come home to.
Trust me 20-somethings, you might not know it yet, but this is what you want.
Life hasn’t beaten you down yet, but when it does you’ll realize how rare and powerful it is to have someone who says,
You come home
I like it.
you’ve had a hard day
Sounds right.
Every door your tried to open
So many.
Was closing in your face
Well, actually…yea, you’re right.
I’m right here I’ll be right here
I’ll embrace you
Sweet!
I don’t know if it’s especially comforting for men to hear this from women, but I know it felt like a revelation when I heard this song for the first time.
Sade, “By Your Side”
In “By Your Side”, Sade goes textbook-insecurity by textbook-insecurity, calling out each one without judgement, and making her man feel better for each one.
“If you want to cry, I am here to dry your eyes”
I think most men understand how rare it is to find a woman comfortable with them crying in front of them.
“You’re so much better than you know”
You know, I always thought I might be. I just needed to hear you say it, Sade.
“I will tell you you’re right when you’re wrong”
Perfect.
Who doesn’t want that?
When we’re being stubborn and railing against an unjust world, when we know we’re being ridiculous but we’re too upset to turn back, we need someone to say, “yes, dear, that grocery store manager was being a jerk. No, he shouldn’t have said that to you. Yes, he deserved every egg you threw at his car”.
At least, that’s what I assumed the subtext was.
Joan Armatrading, “Everyday Boy”
Now this is some next level, down to earth appreciation.
Joan Armatrading is a national treasure.
She gives compliments I’ve never heard in pop culture.
They’re novelistic and I don’t know how she condensed them into lyrics.
Just a couple highlights:
“They way you enjoy life puts me to shame”
“A compassionate man, you hold people dear”
“You respect yourself and you let it show”
So if you’re lost, you’re alone, and you can’t get back again, try leaning into the music that finds you, and takes you home, rather than the easy to find, easy to dance to, hate anthem that leaves you…alone on the dance floor.
And whatever you do, definitely don’t listen to David Bowie’s, “Alabama Song”.